Left-Behind in Left-Field

Taken from my diary; written while waiting for my plane from Nairobi to Cairo: Shock. The only word to perfectly convey what I have felt over the last forty-eight hours. I never imagined that I'd be so deeply affected by the finale of my GAP adventure. When I signed up to trek across the African continent with a pack of strangers, I second-guessed my decision. I was fearful of traveling within a bubble. Two major cons to traveling in such a fashion are: firstly, that there is a barrier between yourself and the what you see. This barrier keeps one from full-immersion, or from totally abandoning ones defenses to allow a new culture or experience to go beyond the epidermal layer. The second reason being that personalities can over-power, tensions can rise, aggression is inevitable. I can safely say that we only experienced mild symptoms of both--and for that I am grateful. What a time. Two months of my life spent exactly as I'd like them to have been spent...happy. Saying goodbye to these people I didn't even know existed six weeks prior was a very difficult trial for me. In our bubble we bounced off one-another, held-close to one-another--were simply together. Six weeks of closeness with strangers and now I feel blessed to be able to call them friends. Our drop-off was quite a jolt to my emotional core. I'd not stopped to consider what the end would be like. I hypothesized, guesstimated, and imagined the possible scenarios of the end--but this proved to be mere fantasy, and not the true and real pain that saying goodbye came to be. I never expected to cry. I never expected a rushed hug, or a half-glance and a wave. I never expected to be winded, as if bludgeoned by a sledgehammer. I simply never expected. I considered. I dramatized. I imagined...but I never expected reality. The saving grace of this end was having Jen around until the very end. Being able to mourn together, ween-off together, and share a few more memories together allowed me to slowly acquiesce into detachment and switch from, 'goodbye,' to ' see you soon.' Here I am, now, sitting alone in a small, boring airport terminal. Faces flash in my mind--beating like light against the wings of a butterfly. Feelings are muddled. Fantasies are disrobing to reveal truth. Clarity. Clarity is near. Shock. The perfect word. Here I am, waiting to start all over again; left behind, the last to leave, with my feelings from left-field clenching tightly to my heart as the tidal wave pulls me further out to sea.